There are times when I find it hard to speak. Not that it’s impossible, so much as it’s easier for me to express myself the way I want to if I write instead of actually speaking the words aloud. Perhaps it’s my more introvert nature, or the fact I’ve been writing avidly since I knew how- or maybe it’s just that my brain processes and expresses things better in written form.
But when it comes to the written form of speaking- this writing right here- I let it slide for too long. I felt a fear about having shelves, spaces full of notebooks and words, and wondering if they would even matter in the future. I felt fear about pouring out these words on paper, and there being some ‘better’ use of my time. I felt fear about writing these words online, for others to read and see and open up parts of my head, my life and to be vulnerable in that way. Without really realising, I drew back, the journals and notebooks were less frequently used, and I started to lose that inclination to speak in this way. That feeling which I know so well, the burning desire to find paper, a phone, anything to get the words captured and written, however imperectly out of my head and spoken.
These days I wonder who to speak to, and what about. A large part of me wants to write here as and when I feel that need, that desire to share something which compels me to put pen to paper. But often those words are being captured in other forms, in my journal (here) or in written prayers. It does take time, to write, to sit here and tap those words out and I need to be sure that words that are shared do matter – at least to me, and hopefully to others too. I want what I speak here to be encouraging and something relatable and not really about me at all. But sometimes, we just have to speak. Or write.
(Linking to Five Minute Friday)