I really want what is written on my blog to be honest, from the heart, but often it’s easier to write nothing, than to risk being vulnerable. It’s an insecurity I’ve had about people reading my writing, from when I first started this blog, and the reason why I didn’t tell anyone I knew that I wrote one, or link it to facebook for a long time. I could just about cope with the idea of people I didn’t know, anonymous people, being able to see in a little window in my head, but exposing myself another layer down for those who did know me just felt scary.
I think the reason why I wanted to write it here, though, not in another notebook, or journal, was for that sense of community. That although you might be sharing things you wouldn’t slip into everyday conversation, you are talking to others, sharing experiences, wisdom, questions, struggles, and life. Online the construction of our lives holds a lot of pressure; it can be easy to only put the beautiful photos on instagram, only write blog posts about the fun, out-of-the ordinary weekends, not to mention the normal, the everyday, the background mess or the struggles being faced around the edges of the narrative which has been constructed.
And honestly, some days things are hard, some days things are not. I don’t want to write negative posts with a self seeking attitude because that’s not an attitude I want to cultivate in myself, any further than it is already there. And although I know it’s the same for others, trying to find that line between presenting life, real life, and not moaning or boasting, it’s easy to look and compare. To wish my house was more organised, that we were more spontaneous, or had more money, or that I could manage to take beautiful photo after beautiful photo and then make a delightful blog post out of it every week.
I’m learning to put less pressure on myself. To know that something will give and it’s ok for things to be imperfect, messy. It’s ok for it to be different from other people’s lives; they are different people. To admit that it’s hard, different stages have different joys and different difficulties. The newborn struggles with little sleep are both behind and ahead, the struggles now are with independent willed toddlers, with juggling time between university work, family, the house and anything else. With feeling like I’m rushing from place to place, and thinking every day must, must be the end of the week. But the rewards of this season are different too; seeing Phoebe grow and learn, of putting time into the important things, life is different from when she was tiny. I know the next stage, with two little ones and a degree to finish will have its own joys and trials as well.
I feel like I’ve learnt a lot about finding beauty, and appreciating everyday moments, with eyes that see the long term; that know that this season will pass and that what seems normal and everyday now will be missed in the future. Being a bit more vulnerable and honest online, without seeking pity is a hard line to draw, but I want to be better. Not to say that everyone’s lives should look the same, or be done the same way, but to be able to encourage one another with honesty, asking for advice, and sharing in life’s moments and seasons.
This post is good if you want to think about this more- mostly in relation to keeping it real on instagram.
mary beth says
Thank you for sharing, Zoe!!!!! Blogging and making our life “public” is something I have battled with the whole two years I’ve been doing it. It’s so hard to find the balance of “sharing”, but keeping some things “ours”. I have found that through lots of prayer and asking for advice (over and over again) that I walk this road with Christ. Knowing it is truly offered up to Him, and not about me. Keep writing! You will never regret that you did, I don’t think….
Zoe Rose @ papillonroses says
It’s hard to know where to draw the line, but I do love blogging! Found your blog really great to read through last night, a breath of fresh air.